I couldn’t believe what was happening at this playdate.
My friend’s son was screaming from the inside a closet for his mommy as she held the door shut.
This happened over a decade ago when our boys were about five years old. It was before I had my parent coaching certification. But it doesn’t take learning connection parenting to know that I was witnessing something terrible.
At the end of a lovely playdate, we asked our boys to clean up. Her son didn’t want to and kept playing.
I was getting my son ready to leave. Then suddenly I heard her yelling at her son. She took him to the closet and closed the door.
With him banging on the door from within, she explained to me that he didn’t want to clean up and threw a toy.
I recall freezing up. I had never seen this side of her, and she seemed so certain of what she was doing. I didn’t know what to say.
And as someone raised by parents who used corporal punishment, I retreated.
It felt like forever before her son quieted down and she opened the door. When she did, her son and I made eye contact. I didn’t have the courage to say anything, and honestly, I didn’t know what to say.
My friend instructed her son to go clean up, which he did quietly. And we said goodbye.
On our way home, I asked my son how he felt about what happened. He said his friend should have cleaned up.
Even long after that afternoon, I still replay in my mind what I could have said or done. Should I have intervened? What’s my place when another parent is disciplining their child? Should I have stood up for her son?
Perhaps that lingering discomfort is what eventually led me to take a parenting course, because I couldn’t come up with the answers.
Fast Forward
We lost touch after they moved. The last time I saw her social media, her son got into a great school and had an internship at a prestigious company, the path most people would call successful.
I don’t know how he’s doing on the inside. I only know what I saw that afternoon, and that terrified look on his face has stayed with me.
I've also worked with parents who grew up with this kind of discipline. From the outside, they're capable and accomplished. But after a few sessions, many realize they're still afraid of being judged or making decisions their parents may not agree with, even about what to keep or let go. (Myself included.)
I truly hope, just as my own parenting has evolved over time, that what I witnessed wasn’t the norm, and that it didn’t leave a lasting imprint on his day to day.
What I Know Now
I believe my friend wanted to teach her son a lesson. Her choice to use power over him might have looked different if she had known that at four or five, impulse control is still developing.
Stopping something fun to do something less exciting is one of the hardest transitions for a young child. It’s like the thinking part of the brain hasn’t caught up to the wanting part yet.
His resistance or delay was a very normal moment, which could have been met with a conversation and some support.
When cleaning up became tied to being shut away, the lesson about taking care of our space got lost, and a power struggle took its place.
This happens in quieter ways, too. Toys get taken away when they’re left out. Screen time disappears until the room is done. Cleaning up becomes the thing you do to avoid losing something, or the consequence you get when you’ve been “bad.”
These approaches can work in the moment. But what they teach a child is that caring for their home comes with a risk. And when a task is linked to a punishment, it leads to avoidance, resistance, or compliance only when someone is watching. Over time, that becomes how they understand responsibility itself.
The same is true in the other direction. When caring for their home comes with support and connection, responsibility becomes something children feel capable of.
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What to Do Instead
Like so many parenting challenges, start with curiosity.
Is he tired? Is he sad that playtime is ending? Does the mess feel too big to know where to start?
Once you know, you can help with the actual issue. A heads-up before it’s time to stop. Starting together, side by side. Breaking it into one small piece at a time. If things don’t go as hoped, invite them to try again.
And always, when everyone is calm, talk about what happened and why taking care of the space matters, and how their efforts help all of you.
They may remember it next time. They may not. Repetition is how we all learn.
How I Work With Families
The Dooley Method starts with connection. Your child feels seen, heard, and trusted to handle a task. I believe that when children take care of what they helped create, responsibility develops.
One of my favorite client stories is an 11-year-old boy I worked with on his room. He was excited to share his ideas and made every decision about his games, cards, and treasures. His sister even made the labels. A few weeks later, his mom sent me this:
“We’ve been away for nearly a month, but when we came back and did laundry, H folded all the clothes just as we had learned and has kept everything so neat! This new habit is a great new change in our family.”
Nobody had to make him.
He knew how, and he wanted to, because we worked together, built an organizing system, and honored his input. It also brought the family closer in caring for their belongings.
If this feels like something you’d like for your family, book a free 15-minute Connection Call and we’ll talk about what’s going on at home, and the next steps towards results like these.
Home organizing is letting go of what no longer serves you.
Parenting is knowing when to let go and trust your child to figure it out.
The Dooley Method is practicing both — together.
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It’s amazing how your experience from childhood shapes you as an adult.
That must have been so painful for everyone. And the added layer of being humiliated in front of other people.